2005-07-06 - 7:41 p.m.
Today wasn�t the greatest day either. I feel so� incapable. After Friday�s fiasco, I just don�t feel like I can do anything at all. I feel like everyone is so much better than me and I am failing�just utterly failing�as a lawyer.
Today felt like a very unproductive day, although when I filled out my timesheet at the end of the day, it really wasn�t. It was just a very scattered day. The whole day I was amending the complaint in [Medical Device], adding plaintiffs and adjusting the facts. But all my other cases kept interrupting me. I had to talk to co-counsel in Sweden for [Swedish Pharma]. I had to talk to the client in [Big Pharma], and also talk to the San Francisco office about that case. Then AdP came in and gave me a different assignment in [Big Pharma], which required me to sit through an hour-long conference call with co-counsel in North Carolina. So all this little stuff kept interrupting me so that the amended complaint took me FOREVER.
Plus, I really didn�t want to let it go. I was so nervous about my work; freaked I was going to miss something major or do a sloppy job or mess up again, like I did on Friday, except this time on a task for FRW, a big scary partner who yells at her paralegal. I tried to make sure everything was perfect, but I still feel like there could have been more citations. Also, I�m not sure if she�ll like the organization. Should I have gone back to the Defendant�s website and gotten a whole chronology of the case? Eh, random failings I can imagine I have committed.
I know this is so idiotic, but I really don�t feel like I can ask questions. I don�t think I�m being a quick enough study, if you know what I mean. I don�t think I am picking this up fast enough at ALL. And then, also, I am racked with guilt that I am not spending all my spare time reading as much as I can about my practice area and really throwing myself into it and sprinting to catch up. But I really don�t want to do that; I�d rather watch CSI.
Ugh. I am so lazy. What will I do when the new hires come in the fall? What if they are better than me, learn faster than me, advance more quickly than I do? Won�t I feel like a big fucking stupid-head then? Yeah, I will.
I wish I had some way of knowing how I am doing. What do people think of my work? What do they think of my potential? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Do people think I am going to make a good lawyer?
I feel small and careless and ill-equipped. I clutch Black�s like it is a blankie.
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